What to say to somebody that had a miscarriage
Today is the day we were supposed to see Baby Serious #3. The day we were supposed to find out if we were having a boy or girl.
Today, instead, I’m going out with a friend for lunch and a manicure and pedicure…and yes, I will have a drink. Because I don’t really know what else I’m supposed to do today.
If you would have told me you had a miscarriage just two and a half weeks ago, I don’t know that I would have had the right response. I might not have said the right thing.
Now? I think I have a much better idea. I know that people don’t say anything with the intention of being hurtful (much like when they tell you they are pregnant), but they really do hurt. And sometimes, you just have no idea what to say (or do).
I know that everybody is not the same. This is what has been good/bad for me.
What to say (or do):
- Give the mom and dad a hug (seriously, goes a long way), or even a gentle knowing touch.
- Tell the mom and dad you are thinking of them/praying for them.
- Say “I’m very sorry for your loss.” The acknowledgment really does make a difference.
- Say “I don’t know what to say.” It’s honest. It’s true. And, if it hasn’t happened to you, you have no idea. And, if it has happened to you, you still don’t know what to say.
- Say something. Anything that acknowledges the loss and the grief.
What NOT to say (or do):
- When you see them, please don’t ignore them/ pretend they don’t exist/ nothing happened. This really, really hurts. And, it’s happened too many times to count (for me).
- Please don’t ask “Are you okay?” or “How are you doing?” It’s pretty much impossible to answer that question. And, really, you probably don’t want the honest response.
- Ask “what can I do to help?” For me, my brain wasn’t functioning (and still isn’t functioning) at 100%. I have no idea what I need. Just offer something. It’s not like we need anything, but life still has to move on, and we might not be ready. Just tell what you are going to do, and do it. (Bring an easy dinner, offer to come and hang out, bring by a bottle of wine, etc.)
- Say “you can have another child/baby.” Probably true? But, this totally doesn’t acknowledge the loss that just happened.
- Say “you are so lucky to have your other children.” This is painful and doesn’t take away from the joy of the other children.
- Say “It’s natures way” or “God’s way.” This really doesn’t help. It may be true, but it was still a baby that was expected and planned for.
These are just some things that I’ve wanted to put out there. If you have something you want/think should be added, please do mention it.
Really, the biggest thing for me is some sort of acknowledgement; like a hug, a text, a phone call, an “I’m sorry.”
**virtual hug**
I am sending hugs and prayers your way. This is really insightful. I think for the most part, a lot of us have never dealt with this kind of loss, so its very hard to react to. The most important thing is reaching out.
These last few posts are breaking my heart. You are very courageous to write about it. It must be helping you heal to share your pain. So I’ll be sitting here, bawling over my computer for you and your family.
Ooops, I love the “About Krystyn” below each of your post! Can you make me that too? And by the way, I would love for you to be a contributor when my blog is all done since u are a working mom. Just throwing the idea out there. And i’ll also love to contribute here too….
I’ve had 4 miscarriages in the past. I didn’t want any I’m sorry’s or much acknowledgment. I just wanted to grieve in my own way, privately and quietly. I found it easier to move on that way. We’re all different, which is what makes saying or doing the right thing so hard.
Everybody is different, aren’t they?
I think you are very brave to write this and try and help others. Like you said I think a hug can go a long way with helping with grief and loss and not knowing what to say.
Hugs, love, and lots of I’m sorry’s…..Hopefully you can find some peace in knowing this blog post is probably going to help a lot of other people heal.
Completely well thought out post that ever woman should read.
Thinking of you!
*Hugs* and sending prayers.
Thank you!
I commend you for writing about it. It take much courage to out it out there. I for one, hate the word miscarriage. It doesn’t in the least justify the loss of your baby. It seems like a very cold word to me. I know that you are still healing but know that you are prayed for and loved. I’ll give you a big cyber HUG! if you were in Texas I’d give you a face to face hug!!! xoxoxo
I seriously hate the “M” word, too. It’s like mom made a mistake. Even the word “loss” is sometimes hard for me. Like you misplaced something?
Having never gone through such a loss, I have no idea what to say. But I’m amazed at the things some people do say. My thoughts are with you and I hope you are able to enjoy your mani/pedi and a drink.
Before this happened, I don’t know that I would have said the right thing, either.
I was thinking about you this morning because I remember you telling me about the doctor visit you were to be having today. I love you and am very sorry your heart is hurtng. Being your mom it’s very hard for me to see you going through this pain Mom’s are supposed to be able to fix everything right. So here’s a virtual kiss to help your boo boo heal until we are there on Thursday.
You really did cover all the bases here. For me, the most hurtful thing people did was pretending I didn’t exist, the pregnancy never happened … as much as I wanted to forget what happened to me, I didn’t want other people to.
(((HUGS)))
Yes, the pretending I don’t exist and the pregnancy didn’t happen are the absolute worst. I’m not wanting a conversation, but ignoring me really, really hurts.
Oh Krystyn, i’m so sorry you are going through this! I know it’s not easy. I had the same thing happen at the beginning of the summer. But i couldn’t write about it so i’m proud of you for being able to share what you are going through. You have to give your self permission to grieve. There’ll be people who don’t understand but that’s ok. You take the time you need to heal and work through this.
Since there was nothing excep memories to hang on to about the baby I found myself worried that I would forget or move on with out remembering our baby. So i found that I was hanging on to the sadness in order to hang on to the baby. So I ordered a silver hand stamped neckace that said “forever in my heart” with the babies birth stones. Plus the birth stones of my two older boys because I didn’t want to focus only on what I had lost but also on what i had. In a way it really helped me heal. Now i have something concret to look at and hang to and to remember them by.
Sorry, this is so long. Sending you a hug and my prayers.
<, Melissa G.
Thank you, Melissa.
You are right, sometimes, I think I hang onto the sadness so I don’t forget.
I’ve been trying to come up with something that I can wear/have that would have the birthstone. I really like the idea you came up with, and I might just copy it. I think it would be good to have something tangible with me to “hang on to.”
Thinking about you. Hugs.
Thank you.
Please don’t say “I know how you feel” and then go on to tell your story. You may have been through it, but you don’t know how the person is feeling. Everyone is different. What helped me the most, was a hug and acknowledgment that there had been a loss. When the would-have-been due date comes, a “thinking of you” card is such a wonderful thing as well.
I call this “one up-ing.” In any circumstance it’s inappropriate, but here? It’s just not right at all.
I’m totally with you, a hug “speaks” volumes.
It is so hard to find the words to say, so thank you for taking the time to write this.
I know each person is different, but this helps alot!
Like I have been saying, you are all in my thoughts and paryers often.
Sending you a big hug too 🙂
I know it might not seem like much, but it really, really does help.
Since we can’t be there, mom and Joe will transport hugs from me and David. zoE and Leroy will send their meows and cuddles, and Riley will send her woofs! Love you lots and lots! Hope the hugs, meows, cuddles and woofs help, even for just a moment!
Thanks, Em. Love you guys.
First off, I am very sorry for your loss. You are being very brave to share your story with us. My thoughts have been with you and your family through this process… Although I handled mine quite the opposite of you… I asked my husband to call my friends, family, coworkers and asked them not to talk to me about the whole thing. I did not want the awkward interactions and I wanted to deal with it on my own (or with those closest to me.)
I was also the opposite of Cindy… when I did have conversations with my closest friends about it, I wanted them to tell me they knew how I felt. I had never discussed miscarriage with anybody before mine, and I had no idea that so many other women had experienced it as well and it helped me to know others had gone through it and survived.
Michele-
I actually contacted one person at work, asked them to tell everybody and then not to contact me or to talk to me about it. I didn’t want and still don’t want the conversations or interactions. Just a hug, or a knowing glance from those at work. Because you are right, reliving it and talking about it with people at work (that you aren’t close to) is totally not fun.
However, also, with my friends, I do want to talk about it. Find the connections. Because it does happen way more than we ever know, and while it really, really sucks that it has and does happen to other people, it makes it easier to share and talk about your experience and surviving it.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s hard to know how to deal with life’s tragedies. My close friend had a miscarriage a few weeks before you, and I tried to do all the “dos” and not any of the “don’ts.” More hugs to you….
Thanks, Holly. I don’t know that I would have said/done the right thing before this happened to me. I bet you are being a very good friend right now.
Thanks for sharing this. Hugs and prayers coming your way.
Thanks, Steph.
I’m always surprised to hear what people say to others who have experienced loss. It’s weird and I assume that people just aren’t spending the time to think about what they’re saying.
I’m sorry you lost your baby. So very sorry.
Thanks, Marilyn. I think people don’t see it as a baby? Maybe that’s it? Because I don’t think people would say most of those things if their four year old passed away, or a husband or grandparent? They really just don’t think.
It is a club you don’t want to belong to, huh? I hear you. I agree with all you wrote ~ I do however think, after experience, that people who say, “at least you already have two healthy kids” may not mean it to be hurtful. A friend, who miscarried several times before carrying a full-term baby shared how helpful it would have been to know that her body could indeed carry a healthy baby. That she would have felt just a little less broken. Anyway, I am sending a million hugs your way & prayers too, and love that you have this as an outlet to express your grief…
Yes, I would gladly turn in my membership card for this crap.
I guess I don’t see it that way because I’m not in your friends’ shoes? So, I have to keep thinking that everybody is different.
Thank you so much for all of your support!
I am sending my prayers up for you and your family. I’m so sorry. 🙁
Thank you, Lindsay. I really appreciate it.
i love you.
i get it.
oh and amen!