I remember you

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Four years ago, I was laying on a table listening to your heartbeat and watching you wiggle, just a little bit, with my sister and now brother-in-law by my side.

The sonogram technician repeatedly said “move you heathen baby.” I still cry as those words are replayed in my brain.

I told you that you were my sweet patient baby and I knew you were just really comfortable and relaxed. You were going to be my cool and calm one.

Our baby

{I never shared this picture here before.}

As it turns out, this would be the last time I would see you alive and moving. The last time I would see you at all. And based on everything we later learned, this was likely one of your last few days alive.

You are perfect to me. 

But, something wasn’t right with the way you were growing. We will never know what, but one day, your little heart just stopped beating. You didn’t grow anymore. You didn’t move anymore. 

Some days, I don’t think about you, others you are constantly here reminding me.

October has the most memories. The most reminders. It’s a month of so many memories and they include you; the fair, birthday parties, pumpkin patches, apple picking and Stone Mountain. We do these every year and they remind me of you. The excitement of meeting you, the hopes for your future, the joy on your sisters’ faces.

I think somebody told me it gets easier. Maybe, maybe it does. But, I don’t know that I want it to. I want to remember. I want to miss you. I do miss you. I look at our rainbow babies and I know that they brought some healing, but there is a part of me that needs to hold you.

I know we will meet again. I know I will immediately know your face and you mine.

But for now, every time I hear my wind chime, I know it sings for you. And I promise, promise there is a part of my heart that is just for you and I will always remember.

*October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. You probably know somebody that has been touched by it. It is a month that no person ever wants to have a connection to and yet there are many, many of us. To all of my friends who share loss, I’m thinking of you. 

loss

one year

two years

three years


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16 Comments

  1. I’m glad I only remember the wiggly baby and how amazed and in awe we were seeing it on the screeen and not those not so kind words. Very nice post and I am sorry for you and the whole family.

  2. Kudos to you for having the courage to post the photo of your little bean. We lost a baby at 7 weeks a year before Sawyer. I blogged about it back then, but it was incredibly hard having to put it out there — made it seen too real. 🙁 *HUGS*

  3. This was a beautiful and touching post. Thank you for sharing your story of love and loss. I love that you know this sweet baby is not lost to you forever, and one day you will be reunited. May God bless you and your family.

  4. Stop making me cry! (I’m going to have to unfollow you;)… kidding. ) What a sweet way to remember.

    I hear you though… I constantly think of the twin girls that I lost… it breaks my heart again every time I see little blond twins who would have been the age of mine.

  5. Mr. Serious says:

    I remember we went apple picking that Fall. I remember when you called me at work…I remember your sister flying to Atlanta and your Mom & Joe driving…I remember calling my Dad on the driveway to tell him what happened…I remember writing in a journal because that was supposed to help…I remember calling work because the doctor put the procedure in as “elective” and therefore not covered and getting that corrected…I remember, even though it might seem that I don’t…

  6. Been thinking about you….
    Hugs for you today and always…

  7. pat chance says:

    we will all get to meet your sweet baby someday.

    This was a beautiful post.

  8. I’m so so sorry for your loss. Losing something you already love is never easy – no matter how far along you are. Thanks for sharing your story – I’m sure it was really difficult.

  9. October is a hard month for me. I lost 2 babies as well and I almost didn’t read this post because it is so hard to remember, but even more painful to try and forget by that comment from Mr. Serious– I am bawling. I just hope one day I understand the rhyme or reason…

  10. Thank you for sharing this with us, friend. I’m so sorry for your loss and wish your heart some peace. Hugs to you.

  11. So beautifully written. Thank you for sharing it with us. For trusting us with it.
    I know you will see your angel baby someday. But for now know that you, your husband, and your girls have an extra angel watching over you all.
    Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

  12. i remember too…

    xo!

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