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The good and the bad


-We went to the Healing Service at church this week.  Despite calling me and offering me condolences, our new pastor had no idea why we were there.  Thankfully, the associate pastor came up to us, and prayed with us. That was a small piece of healing we needed.

-I thought I lost a $10 bill.  If you know me, you know I don’t lose stuff.  But, I’m distracted, oh, so distracted right now, so I was beating myself up over it, but trying to get past it.  Then, I went to clean out the van and I found it!

-At my post-op check up, after asking me if I was going to enjoy the food at Thanksgiving, the lady asked me “when is your baby due?”  Blank stare from me.  How could she?  Seriously, that little bit of information is not on your little screen there in front of you?  I still can barely even utter the “M” word.  It’s too raw, but I said it.  She felt like an ass.  Truthfully?  She was.

-At said doctor’s appointment, the doctor asked how I was doing emotionally (not great) and if I wanted some medicine for it.  I think I want to feel this.  I need to feel this.  I’m not a harm to myself or to others.  And, I’m not knocking people that do need/want medicine.  But, it just seemed too quick to jump on the medicinal band wagon.

-#1 randomly came up to me one evening, hugged me and said “I love you, mommy!”  She’s never done that before.  I needed it, too.

-A coworker insists on telling me all about her pregnant daughter and how things are going so well.   I about bit her head off today when she told me her daughter took her sons to hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time.  Really, I want to be excited for you, I do.  But right now?  It’s too much for me.

Mr. Serious I also found my lost misplaced cell phone charger for the car.  Shockingly, it was in the car.  At least it was in his and not mine.

-Hospital bills and doctor’s office bills suck.  Big time.  Please somebody come open them for me, deal with them and make them go away.  I’d appreciate you paying them, too.

-We took the crib down out of #2’s room and she didn’t even notice and wasn’t even sad about “her crib” being gone.

-I can’t seem to want to pick up my camera and capture my girls.  It feels so unnatural.

-I feel like I’m a child lately.  Not childish in my behaviors, just childish in the “I want everything to be okay and I want my mommy here with me” kind of way.

-Mr. Serious loves me and will make me hot chocolate even when he’s not up doing anything.

-I have  some super-duper comfyPJs to lounge in (that I put on as soon as I get home…thanks amanda)

-Seriously, this post?  Is about how my brain feels on a daily basis.  Scattered.  Distracted.  And how I feel.  Emotional.  Frustrated.  Angry.  Hurt.  But it’s me.  And, I’m not one to hide, so here it is.  And, I know it’s okay to feel this way.  And, I know that one day, I will feel different.  But now, this is it.


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  1. I cant believe the nurse would ask you that before reading your file. I hope things get better for you!

  2. After all you’ve been through, I just want to hop on a plane and head down to Georgia to give you a big hug. Just know that you have friends who are thinking of you and sending you nothing but positive thoughts.

  3. It will seem like everyone says the “wrong” thing right now… I know it did for me…. sending you hugs… its a rough time… You’ll get through it though

  4. So sorry for all the bad, especially for the insensitivity from people. Glad there was also lots of good. ((hugs))

  5. My heart is just hurting for you. It’s weird how there are really no “right” words but people certainly can find the wrong ones. And your co-worker and nurse really take the cake!

  6. I hope it helped for you to post this and I have to say that I was glad to read it. Obviously not glad for what happened but I’ve been concerned about you and wanted to know how you are really feeling. I was going to email you but I hadn’t gotten around to it yet and I wasn’t quite sure what to say.

    I just want you to know that you are on my mind and that I hope you know that we are praying for your healing Krystyn. Thank you for sharing your heart with us here.

    Wishing I could hug you… xo

  7. My heart breaks for you. Continually praying for your physical and emotional healing. Hugs from Illinois!

  8. I’m still thinking of you and your family. I can’t imagine the pain that you must still feel. I’m sending prayers for peace and healing. Much love, xoxo

  9. I love you tons and tons! Your mommy will be there soon and hopefully help make things start to feel better.

  10. Krystyn, I’ve been thinking about you so much lately. I can definitely understand the scatter brained feelings.

  11. also still praying. enjoy those comfy jammies, allow yourself to loose things and make mistakes. I saw someone else send hugs from ohio… I’m sending MORE hugs from ohio. 🙂

  12. Oh sweetie. I am sure everything you are feeling is totally normal and it is fine to grieve. Hang in there. I am praying for you guys.

  13. Krystyn, I’ve been thinking about you non-stop. I can’t even imagine what you guys are going through. I can’t believe the lady at the doc’s office – ugh. Although something very similar happened to me at my doctor’s office after I had a miscarriage a few years ago (it was a very early one). The insensitivity just cuts you like a knife, especially since you’re not prepared for it there, of all places.

    I’m thinking of you and sending lots of prayers and hugs your way. Hang in there.

  14. I’m sorry 🙁 Shame on that nurse though.

    And I agree, bills do suck.

  15. I had a nurse do something very similar when I miscarried and was coming in for my follow up appt. I’m so sorry that happened to you, too.

    More prayers for you and your family. And thank you for posting what is really going on. I don’t personally know you but I just feel very honored to be someone who can be on the listening end and who can be praying for you.

  16. Krystyn – I am so sorry to read this. My heart breaks for what you must be feeling. I’ll be praying for you and your family.

  17. thinking of you and sending prayers your way. I know nothing will make it better and know that people are praying for you.

  18. Thinking of you and sending many, many prayers in your direction…

  19. Krystyn, You are so right what you are feeling is normal. You are also right one day you will feel different but right now you are still raw from everything. I feel like I am reading about myself a year ago, amazing how God has put you in my life so i can pray, and pray , and pray.

  20. Krystyn – I am praying for you. Thank you for this honest and gut wrenching post. You have no idea how much it will help someone that is going through the same thing. I believe that God will bring you healing and through this awful time he will give you the ability to minister to other women.

  21. Sending hugs and prayers your way. I am totally with you on looking for that $10…hahahahah.

  22. i understand… the anger, the hurt, the sadness, immense sadness, horror
    The Father grieves with you, as do i

  23. Krystyn…I can only tell you that I continue to pray for you. I cannot imagine what it’s been like for you but can only try to think of how I’d feel in the same situation. I hope the smiles you see in your girls is helping just enough right now as you work through all of this.

  24. So sorry Krystyn. All of it. The idiots at work, the idiots at the doctors office, all of it. Glad for PJ’s, hot chocolate and Isabelle kisses.

    Continuing to pray….

  25. I haven’t picked up the camera in forever. It also feels unnatural.

  26. lura staffanson says:

    Oh my dear…. I am so sorry that you are going through this hard time. I am proud of you for not getting on the drugs bandwagon. However, if you don’t start feeling a little better day by day talk to your doctor again. It was Nov. 10th when our little Lyle was stillborn. He was a full term, 7 lb boy. Some people were insensitive….some wanted to help and didn’t know how. It just took time, my husband and my two little girls to get me through it. Lynell was 4 and Mindy was 2. I feel that I understand what you are going through. I am praying for you each day. My love is with you. It will be hard for you to feel thankful on thanksgiving…. I know it was for me… but try to think of the ways you are blessed and have a good day. Much love, Grammy

  27. Oh Krystyn, I’m sorry honey. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, but so get that you feel the need to feel it. Praying that it gets better sooner rather than later, my friend. Hugs to you!

  28. Hey, Krystyn! I haven’t been by in a while. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now, as I’m sure it’s ups and downs, although mostly downs. I think it’s good for you to feel what you’re feeling right now. Natural. Though it sucks. Take care of yourself and hang in there. I know this is so hard.

  29. i feel like such a sucky blog friend. I had to go back and read your older posts. i am so so sorry friend. i cannot even imagine that type of loss, and to be 17 weeks. that is just horrible. try to take care of yourself, and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to jump right back in and pretend like all is normal. this is a huge loss, and we are all thinking of you. sending hugs!

  30. Hi there hon! Just catching up on you. Sorry to hear about this. Our prayers from the Kilowatt Household are with you! Much love to you and yours. Happy Thanksgiving!

  31. Thanks for being honest. I wish I knew what to say or do. I’m praying for y’all though.

  32. Stephanie says:

    Just wanted to let you know that you are still in my prayers…

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